Janey Godley’s Blog

Award-winning Blog, running since 2004, which provides an astoundingly honest, candid and sometimes jaw-dropping insight into stand-up comic and best-selling author Janey Godley's extraordinary collection of domestic crises, marital tiffs, horrific nightmares, romantic interludes, oddball travels, meetings with ‘mad, bad and dangerous to know’ people with occasional hilarious incidents. ‘Not politically correct’ ‘Not normal’ ‘Sexually explicit’ ‘Verbally explicit’ ‘Highly addictive’.

« | »

What Men Must Do

janeygodley | 17 September, 2007 20:20

A mate called me last week and as she is single she discussed certain things a man must DO and NOT DO to be on a list of possible boyfriends. Now I thought this was awful but then I realised I too have an agenda that my man must follow. For example, I know I could never have married or gave up my womb to reproduce with any man who used the word ‘Zeitgeist’ in his everyday language.

There are other words I have banned from coming out of my husbands mouth and I have made a list.

  • Soporific

  • Cognoscenti

  • Latte double hit

  • Anything that is preceded by the word ‘Uber’ like Uber-excited

  • The saying ‘amongous’ like to say ‘chocolate-amongous’ as to express lots of chocolate.

There are also things he cannot wear or I will divorce him…for example-

  • Wearing cuffed track suit bottoms with leather shoes and white socks.

  • Acrylic tank tops with a white shirt beneath.

  • Football tops of any kind EVER.

  • A fake tan.

  • A beanie hat.

  • Leather sandals of any style.

  • Jewellery of any kind.

  • A tattoo or nipple ring.

  • Busy Christmas sweaters with reindeer or trees.

There are also sayings he cannot come out with or I will go to a beach and fake my own death, here are a few of these examples.

  • “Darling lets go to Macramé classes and make beaded pot holders”

  • “Janey I adore taxidermy in birds, see my stuffed peacock?”

  • “I love making seashells into lampshades”

  • “Do you fancy trying dogging?”

  • “Let’s go hill walking”

  • “Do you like my fake tan?”

  • “Madonna is a wonderful writer of children’s books”

  • “Don’t you think Victoria Beckham is gorgeous?”

  • “Do you think I would suit a pipe?”

He knows all of these topics are off limits and I am not saying he wants any of these things, but in my mind they are the worst things a man can say other than “ I like stabbing babies” which is horrendously off limits and I don’t know anyone who would say that…but it was an extreme example.

So my pal is right, she should have a list of things she looks for in a man.

There are good things men can say and do like…

  • Cleaning.

  • Ironing.

  • Raising babies.

  • Cleaning out a Hoover.

  • Going to the late night shops for cookies.

  • Hand washing your underwear.

  • Cooking.

I suppose that’s a bit much to ask, but it’s worth a try.


General:: Comment (0) :: Permalink :: Trackbacks (0) :: Print

comments

Add comment






 
Accessible and Valid XHTML 1.0 Strict and CSS
Blog Hosting