I love working away at the weekends, this weekend was Nottingham. The club is fabulous and the place is really cool. As usual the hotel had internet at £6000 a minute…ok that was an exaggeration, it was £15 but that is still extortion as far as I am concerned.

The other downside of the hotel was that I clocked a look at myself in the toilet mirror and saw a huge big fat woman staring back, so I am on a diet AGAIN…yes again…I hear you say…well honestly I am FAT.

I am at that stage where I am not fat enough to be pointed at in the street- yet not thin enough to wear jeans without feeling as though some medieval sexual torture is being inflicted on me.

Nottingham has apparently a huge gun crime scene but I saw only lovely people.

Although I did wake up to the horrible news that bird flu is back in the UK…fucking hell…I knew birds would kill me eventually, that’s what I get for kicking pigeons in every UK high street.

I am finally home…it took ages as I stopped off in York. It is absolutely beautiful in York and I was stunned at the wonderful architecture. So amazing is York.

Husband and I pack flasks of tea on our journeys and we do like those two old people at the side of the road having tea sitting on deckchairs like loonies….but we love it.

Oh and I did a pee outside…yes we stopped in a lay-by and I pulled down my fat persons trousers and peed…I was so desperate I had to. No one saw me but a big horse that was standing in a field and I know it was disgusted, but fucksake I had to go.

My daughter is horrified that I just wrote that…so deal with it…I am off to eat less.

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