I am sitting here with tufty squirrel hair, but my hair appointment is very soon, I have a big fat spot on my chin, I have the period from hell but I will go to the ball tonight.

It is the Scotswoman of the Year final dinner award at 6.30pm and I am not sure what I am wearing.

I couldn’t sleep last night with excitement, I finally drifted off at 8am this morning and woke up panicked after midday, dreaming I had slept through the whole day and missed it!

Husband was awake also and said to me this morning in bed at about 5am “If you had a chance to do that ‘Peggy Sue Got Married’ thing would you do it?”

I lay there, my brain all fuggy and said “What then the fuck are you talking about?”

“You know, if you woke up tomorrow, came out of the shower and it was 1980 and you were about to marry me and knew everything that had happened since then, and had the power to change it all -would you still do it all the same and marry me?” He answered.

I lay there for a few seconds and fifteen million images flew through my head, me in a white cheap dress standing at the alter, me crying in the back shop of that pub we owned, me running the streets of the Calton where I used to live in my bare feet to get away from him, me holding Ashley moments after she was born, me pretending to be fine as I served customers, me screaming at him to leave me alone, me sitting in a police cell after the police found the guns and weapons in his fathers house and we got charged for it….the images were like one of those fast digital galleries…all flashing and fearful.

“No, I wouldn’t, but I hope I still get to have Ashley” I said succinctly.

“Ok so tomorrow you wake up and get to be nineteen again and your life goes your way” He giggled.

“Why? Mr McFly, Have you always had some freaky power that can turn back time and you chose today to use it?” I hissed.

“Yes, I do I could always alter the time barrier, but I hid my power from you, are you serious Janey? You wouldn’t do it all again?” He sounded hurt.

“Probably not, I wouldn’t want to live that life all over again would you?” I spoke.

“Yes I would” He said.

So I got up this morning and I am still 45, yet again he lied. I hate it when people pretend to have secret powers and they don’t actually have them.

I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my giant bushy head, saggy skin and south bound breasts.

“I am still 45, where is my lovely tight nineteen year old ass and pert boobs?” I asked him.

“You haven’t had a shower yet, it happens when you come out of the shower” He giggled.

I am off to have a shower; I will let you all know in 25 years time if I did get to go to USA and discover 50 Cent and prematurely kill George Bush in the early 80’s. I will tell you all my tales of how I was there the night Oasis played that famous Glasgow gig and I singed them to MY record company, how I sex with Tony Blair in 1981 and exposed him as a drug dealer therefore fucking up his political career, how I made George Michael love me and become straight (I still love him) how I chatted to Freddie Mercury all night and stopped him sleeping with a strange guy who looked like he had a disease, how I went to NY in 1980 and punched a guy who drew a gun on John Lennon and most of all, how I convinced my mammy to leave the guy who we all knew would kill her…..and this time she listened!

So there we have it, if I don’t go back in time today I will go the Scotswoman of the Year party tonight…..maybe there is time to change the world?

Love ya Janey

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